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Mom: <Defeated> Hey, moms. I’m going to get right to it here - I bought an emu from Craigslist and I regret it. 

 

SFX: Crash as something heavy is pushed off of the kitchen counter in the background

 

Mom: <Sighs> My daughter begged me for this <frustrated> … giant bird… thing. And like the total pushover I am, I caved! I should’ve known.

 

SFX: Sound of emu ripping open cereal box, crunching down on food

 

Mom: <speaking away from mic> No! Don’t touch that!

 

Mom:  <getting upset, speaking faster> I got it as a surprise for her birthday because I knew her face would just completely light up when she saw him and I would be <mocking slightly> “mom of the year.” He was a bit smaller when I got him but now — 

 

SFX: Sound of emu squaking and running around

 

Mom: <frantic, not speaking into mic> Hey! You - Larry - put that down! Stop that now! 

 

Mom: <upset, wishful> I just wish someone had told me about ZOOMARS in San Juan Capistrano before my house became a giant birdcage. They have a bunch of animals for the kids to pet and hold. ZOOMARS is good old-fashioned fun, and it’s blissfully calm. 

 

SFX: Emu pushes a vase off the table

 

Mom: <utterly defeated> Oh, I miss when my house was calm.